Primer Odometer Poem

A little verse to honor Baseball Primer on its 10,000th Clutch Hit thread:

TangoTiger, Voros, DIPS,
Aaron Gleeman, Forman, ZiPS,
Shredder, Treder, Davis, Werr,
To their wisdom I defer.

Giambi-Mabry, Petco thread,
RossCW getting fed,
Neyer, Beeah Guy, guys who lurk,
TOLAXOR, Ring Dings, **** don't work.

Mr. Selig wants a cap;
Mike Piazza; It's a trap!
If all those things are what's in store,
I hope I read 10,000 more!

And Mike Crudale.

Tino Traded, or The Difference Between the Cardinals and the Devil Rays

Saint Lou
Ain't Lou.

AL MVP

No one, from what I can see,
Deserves the AL MVP.
It seems, although I'm not sure why,
That losing teams need not apply,
And when we look at winning teams,
No one had a Year of Dreams.
So let's default to second place,
And say that A-Rod won the race.

NL MVP

The sweet swing of Pujols
has very very few holes,
but the big bat of Barry
is the most very very.

Rookie of the Year

In the NL,
is Willis, Dontrelle.
Cabrera, Miguel
is a Marlin, as well.
Reyes, Jose
as well as Seo, Jae
plus Wigginton, Ty
are each a Met guy
but are not outpacin'
their mate Phillips, Jason.
Montreal has Day, Zach
who got hurt but came bach
and Vargas, Claudio
whom I also applaudio.
The strikeout/walk ratio
of Ramirez, Horatio
does not really sway
like the Brave Hodges, Trey.
St. Lou got to know
the surprising Hart, Bo.
Podsednik, Scott
has really been hot.
The flying Byrd, Marlon
Is the Phillies' young darlon.
Not much could prepariome
for Robertson, Jeriome
who along with Lidge, Brad
make Houston not bad.
Williams, Jerome
makes Pac Bell his home,
as does Foppert, Jesse
who is sometimes impresse.
But I cannot abandon
my choice of Webb, Brandon.

The AL could pitch
arms like Harden, Rich.
Another to like
Was MacDougal, Mike.
A good future's facin'
the Tribe's Davis, Jason.
Don't bet a casino
against Lopez, Aquilino.
You can take a good chance
on young Carter, Lance.
And Soriano, Rafael
also threw really well.
Two words for a Yankee:
Rodriguez, Frankie.
Teixeira, Mark,
hit balls out of the park,
while Baldelli, Rocco
also showed socko.
Detroit's Munson, Eric,
could make balls atmospheric,
while his mate Monroe, Craig
is a real powderkeg,
like the Tribe's Gerut, Jody
whose bat is explody.
And they're thankful to have his
young friend Hafner, Travis.
But in the AL
I pick Berroa, Angel
who wins neck-and-necky
over Matsui, Hideki.

The Best Outfield Trio Ever

"Sheffield, Jones, and Jones."
I like how that intones.
But nothing, in my view,
Beats "Alou, Alou, Alou."

The Petroskey Polka

We fight Iraq so they won't get
A nuclear reactor.
In Cooperstown, a bigger threat
Is Nuke LaLoosh, the actor.

Someone tell the Hall of Fame
That if you take a stance
Don't find Americans to blame;
That's why we have France.

Or, do a dance:

• The Petroskey Polka (low bandwidth) (try this first, 235K, mp3)
• The Petroskey Polka (high bandwidth) (626K, mp3)

Parodying Paul Simon, when Baseball Prospectus goes pro

The problem has hit me mostly economically
What is a Nickle worth, and what about Penny?
My favorite web site now no longer will be free
I must pay forty bucks to read my BP.

I asked, "Is 40 bucks a price that is so wise?"
The answer is easy if you care to analyze
That is the price where revenues will maximize
I must pay forty bucks to read my BP.
Forty bucks to read my BP.

That's what it Costas, Bob.
It's not too Deer, Rob.
Fork up the Cash, Norm.
And stay informed.

Just pay the Money, Don.
Give up the Green, Shawn.
Let's take a Gamble, Lee.
And buy BP.

You said, "Ben Grieve news is hardly worth two cents,"
Is this the best way to spend my Schillings, Pounds, and Pence?"
I said, "I understand that, but just think of their expense."

You said, "Why don't we just wait 'til we have got a clue?
We can decide sometime after next month's sneak preview."
I thought about it and realized that's the thing to do
Before paying forty bucks to read my BP.
Forty bucks to read my BP.

That's what it Costas, Bob.
It's not too Deer, Rob.
Fork up the Cash, Norm.
And stay informed.

Just pay the Money, Don.
Give up the Green, Shawn.
Let's take a Gamble, Lee.
And buy BP.

On Randy Winn's troubles with names

The thing about a new team that really makes me sweat
Is learning all my teammates' names so I won't forget.
There's Freddy, Arthur, Carlos, Chris, Greg and Gil and Ben,
Then that guy I get mixed up--Kelly? maybe Ken?
There's Julio and Rafael, Steve, Luis, and Rett,
There's Edgar, Mike and Mark and Matt, and the funny Bret.
Ryan, Aaron, Ryan, Aaron, Ryan, Willie, Dan,
Shigetoshi, Kazuhiro, Ichiro--Japan!
Joel and J.J., John and John, Jamie and Jamal,
Just Jeff and Jeff and Jeff are left. There, I think that's all!

On the idea of a European-style relegation system

The creation
and implementation
of a system of relegation
would only be a temptation
after a long period of frustration
without a single so-called abberation
getting a World Series celebration,
and would only come as an act of desperation
due to serious franchise value hyperdeflation,
in combination
with inebriation.

After the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster

Our mission: to explore the perfect swing,
The easy uppercut, the solid sound,
The bat directed smoothly to the ground,
The skyward peek to see what's taking wing.

The ball is launched, and soon our eyes project
The missile's life ahead, its quick ascent,
Its long, lingering peak, the slow descent
From grand success to accomplished respect.

But suddenly, an unexpected hand
Just reaches up and catches us off guard,
Abruptly snatching down our visions, hard:
Our dreams don't always end the way we planned.

We rage at being victims of deceit,
Misled by expectations; this foul theft
Aborts our lofty dreams, and all that's left
Is the unbearable arc, incomplete.

Dateline October 2002: MLB Anti-Probability Drug Scandal

Bud Selig's homilies on baseball anomalies
were thought to be humbugs, but now we learn some drugs
provide the ability to defy probability.
The players who take them find that these make them
break laws of statistics. But criminalistics
now can reveal who's been unreal
in taking success to unlikely excess.

The very first cheater we found was Kirk Rueter.
The suspicions begin with how he can win
with just 3 Ks per nine, which should be a sign
his career is soon done; despite this, he's won
more games than most. We think he's been dosed.

Soriano the Yank is another who drank
the chance-beating potion. He defies every notion
that studies have shown about the strike zone.
To hit with much sock, you must take a walk
more than one time a week. But somehow this freak
is a power producer. He must be a juicer.

Yet these little scandals cannot hold candles
to the news a whole team has fed their bloodstream
with improbable tonics. This act of demonics
made Angels misnomers, for they ranked tenth in homers
and in walks were eleven. Yet the Angels in seven
won the World Series. No plausible theories
can explain how they slugged, unless they were drugged
to defy their long odds, and change monkeys to gods.

Before Game 2 of the 2002 NLCS

Il y avait
par le passé
Un boulanger poussiéreux

Qui a voulu savoir
Qui allait gagner ce soir
Dans le jeu le numéro deux.

Le Russe, il prevoit,
"Je dis que je crois,
Hier, les perdants étaient nous

Un lancer boisé*
nous a défaits
Mais ce soir, il sera vous!"

 

 

*="woody"

Upon the Marlins trading Cliff Floyd

Who did the Marlins just obtain?
Carl Pavano? Justin Wayne?
Mordecai and Graeme Lloyd?
That's all that they could get for Floyd???
If Karp's a Fish, I won't complain,
But snaring less is just insane!